From the Crazy House

I am not very Chinese anyway, so here are some Chinese pastries.

2011-09-12T13:09:00.010-08:00

Today marks the return of the Mid-Autumn Festival. Every year, my mother likes to tell us of the festival's significance in our romantic lives.

Along with offering me "any prize I want in the world" to have a boyfriend, she also likes to buy me mooncakes so that I may offer them to Favorite Boy X.

This year, Matchmaker Mom reminds me to be coy and not give away the identity of my mooncake dealer:

With [Favorite Boy X] - Never tell him that i gave the moon cake to him, pleas!!!!, that will spoil the feeling. It is from "you" !!!!. You want to share, maybe he may not like it. But i think [Favorite Boy X] is the kind of guy, mind is open. Also you are not very Chinese anyway, tell him that. You know many foods are strange to others.

Moon cake festival is a big holiday, mixing of the feelings of Valentine and Thanksgiving as to Americans for now . You know some legendary story too from Chinese school. WEll only if [Favorite Boy X] has time or has chance to listen.

May you all have a lovely Mid-Autumn Festival, with a roast turkey in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other.

Just In Case

2011-02-07T18:12:00.005-09:00

And, just in case I wasn't listening closely enough, she sent me a card with the recipe:

Per our conversation, here is the ingredients of makes 12 slices of chorizo & quails eggs

12 slices French bread, sliced on the diagonal, about 1/4 inch or 5 mm thick

1-1/2 oz or 40 g cured, ready to eat chorizo. Cut into 12 thin slices

olive oil

12 quails eggs (actually the quail eggs are 10 in one box)

mild paprika

salt & pepper

fresh flat-leaf parseley to garnish

(Enclosed cash is for you to have when you go to market. My love to you is in there too.)

Have fun!

For my birthday, she sent me $5. To go to market, she sent me $20. She means business.

Follow Up

2011-02-04T11:36:00.003-09:00

Text following conversation:

Definitely need two

boxes quail eggs to practice i did it i have

two boxes left in

refrigerator i have tips

paper towel needed tiny

tip ssisors and small

knief only artisy

archtechi and skilled

fingers can handle with

patience determination

and sincere heart will be

able to make them no

need to pass out no

one will repeat it is a

love tapa.

February 4th: Snow Day & Best Conversation Ever

2011-02-04T08:29:00.008-09:00

Last year, my mom met a boy at church. She is convinced we are fated for each other.

Over Christmas, she spent about 30 minutes detailing her "courtship" between her and my dad. I wasn't sure if the story had a point, but then finally at the end she revealed that "it would be okay if he and I became friends." I had her blessing.

Today, I missed a call from her and then she sent a blank text message (she just learned how to text). So I called her back.

Mom: OH HI! I AM AT HOME!

Me: I AM AT HOME TOO! It snowed here too!

Mom: OH GREAT! I want to tell you something! I am too excited! Just so excited! I don't want you think that I'm manipulating you, or forcing you, or making you do anything, okay?? This was a revelation!

Me: oh. great.

Mom: You're already upset!

Me: You just said, "Don't think I'm manipulating you," what am I supposed to think?

Mom: It was a revelation! A REVELATION!!!

Me: Just tell me what it is.

Mom: OK. So I saw this book of tapas, it's like little dishes, but Spanish, maybe you know, it's like Chinese dimsum.

Me: Yes.

Mom: OK. So I saw this recipe: churrasa, ch-chorrchu, churmichu, c-h-o-r-i-z-o

Me: chorizo

Mom: --chorizo and quail egg toast!

Me: That sounds fun.

Mom: Yeah! Chorizo is a sausage and I bet you can get it from Central Market.

She then proceeds to read me the recipe word-for-word:

Mom: First, cut a loaf of French bread on the diagonal into 12 pieces. Now, you could buy more bread and cut it into more pieces. I think this recipe was translated from Spanish because it's not French bread, it's that long and skinny bread, you know?

Me: They probably mean a baguette.

Mom: Yeah, a baguette. See, their English isn't very good.

Me: A baguette is French bread. That's why the word is "baguette." That's not English.

Mom: Ohhh okay. Then, cut the "churosa" into 12 thin slices. You have to cut it very thin! You could buy more sausage and cut it into more slices too, you know.

Me: Yes, I know.

Mom: ...transfer to a platter and reserve. See? Again, I don't think their English is very good in this recipe. "Reserve," that is not English.

Me: Yes it is. It means to put it aside and save it for later, reserve. That's not their English problem; it's yours.

Mom: Ha! Okay ...and then, top each slice of French bread and "chorossa" with a fried quail egg. Doesn't that sound fun?!

Me: Yes, it does.

Mom: So I saw this recipe, and I thought, and I thought, and I thought that it looked like you! It's so cute! So February 13th is on a Sunday, and Valentine's Day is on February 14th. (Aha, I know where this revelation is going now.) So I think you can make these, and put them on a red doily, and then you can put out a tray for special people. I don't know, maybe you can bring them to your office, or you could bring them to church, and give them to certain people at church, I don't know, WHOEVER, and then you can see who responds nicely, and whoever responds the most nicely, then you can give them a chance and date them!!! You know, whoever responds nicely you can date! Don't you think this is an ingenius idea??

Me: Well the toast does sound fun.

Mom: YEAH and I just knew it was a revelation because this toast is YOU. A quail egg is pretty oriental, but you know on top of French bread it is not so oriental --

Me: (egging her on at this point. pun intended) YEAH! It's like I'm blending in the Asian quail egg with the European bread and sausage! That's like me on toast!

Mom: YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO! (barely breathing at this point) I thought that you were like the little quail egg, and then whoever responds nicely you can tell them that the churisan is because you went to Spain and Catalah and the French bread because you've been to France!

Me: Oh my! We'll have so much to talk about! We'll be talking for hours!!!

Mom: I KNOOOOOW!!!

Me: Now, an important question, what if the person "who responds nicely" is a girl??

Mom: NOOO!!!!! This treat is not for girls! It is a man treat! It is savory!

Me: Oh, you're right. Girls do not eat savory things.

Mom: Right! I mean, you know who I am talking about.

Me: Of course I do.

Mom: Okay, then we don't have to talk about it. I mean, you don't even have to tell me after you did it! You can experiment beforehand to make sure it's good! So you're going to do it, right?!

Me: You just told me I didn't have to tell you.

Mom: Good grief, eat my own words! Okay, good luck! I can't wait for February 13th!

February 1st

2011-02-01T05:51:00.000-09:00

I called Mom and said, "Happy Birthday, Mom!"

She said, "Get married, Alexa!"

I Love Best

2011-01-03T19:20:00.002-09:00

Recently, our mom has discovered Best Buy. She lovingly refers to it just as "Best," the same way she refers to Bed, Bath, & Beyond as any mixed-up combination of those words.

She bought a laptop over the holidays from Best, and after we left, I received a phone call.

Me: Mom, I missed your call.

Mom: Oh yeah, I didn't know how to turn on my laptop but I called Melodie.

Me: Mom! That circle with a line through it is the universal symbol for power!

Mom: Yeah! I didn't know that! Can you believe it?

Me: No. Yes. I don't know what to say.

Are We There Yet?

2011-01-03T19:07:00.002-09:00

All proper family holidays include a road trip. This year, we took our child, and by that I mean our mom, on a roadtrip to College Station.

In the car:

Mom: Joy, your hair looks dry.

Joy: Ok.

Mom: Joy, do you put lotion on?

Joy: Yes.

Mom: Where are we now? Why is nobody talking?

Melodie: Maybe we should just be silent for 5 minutes.

(10 seconds pass)

Mom: Let's play a game!

Alexa: Should we play...the alphabet game?

Mom: No, let's count cars!

Melodie: This is going to be a long game.

So, we counted cars.

Alexa: Toyota Tacoma

Mom: Tacoma, Tee-AY-Kay

Alexa: Nope

Mom: Tee-AY-SEE-OH-EM-AY?

Alexa: Yes

Mom: Toyota Tacoma

During our roadtrip, we learned to recognize the logo for Infiniti, that F-150s are smaller than F-250s, and that F-150 is not pronounced, "FISO."

Lost, not necessarily in Translation

2010-11-21T06:47:00.003-09:00

Mom calls (again):

Mom: Hi! I forgot to tell you (jumble of words) crunch!

Me: What's that? I didn't understand you.

Mom: Crunch! Crunch!

Me: What does that mean? What are you talking about?

Mom: Crunch! Crunch! You used to like chocolate krispie!

Me: Oh, no thank you.

Mom: What, no thank you? What does that mean?
Me: It means no, I do not need it.

Mom: Why? I bought it for your students.

Me: You already bought it? What are you saying? Will you speak in whole sentences? I don't know what you're asking.

Mom: Crunch! Kit Kat! Crunch!

Me: Mom! Complete sentences! I don't know what you're asking.

Mom: (louder) CRUNCH! KIT KAT!

Me: Do you already have the Crunch and Kit Kat?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Oh, okay then. Thank you. I didn't realize you already had it.

Mom: What should have I said? Teach me.

Me: You should have said, "I bought some chocolate for your students. Make sure to take it with you when you come home." and I would have said, "Thank you."

Mom: Ohh...now I know.

Me: I'm sweating.

中秋節: Mid-Autumn Festival

2010-09-21T08:01:00.003-08:00

Tomorrow is Mid-Autumn/Mooncake Festival. On this day, the moon is closest to the earth, so the moon looks full and bright.

Our mom used to buy us mooncakes so that we could eat them together and look at the moon on that night, but now she just sends us insightful emails about the holiday:

The boy usually will ask the girl out on this night to watch th ebeautiful moon if he likes her, but he will not say it directly at this time. If the girl takes the date which meant, she agrees his courting.

** So, how about you ladies go try the OPPOSITE way, go ask a boy out on that night, if you likes [or loves] him in your secret heart.~~~~ So let the moon fairy knows your heart!

Happy 中秋節, I loves you!

match.com, Meet Your Match

2010-09-06T15:58:00.002-08:00

I talked to Mom for 20 minutes today and entertained her with frivolous details (her favorite). I consider my act of service for the day done.

Mom: Does she have a boyfriend?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No.

Mom: Are you going to get a boyfriend?

Me: Maybe.

Mom: OH good. I'll offer you a reward for getting a boyfriend!!

Me: Haha, okay, what kind of reward?

Mom: I don't know, you tell me. Anything you want!

Me: Anything??

Mom: Anything!

Me: Okay, well I'll be thinking about this.

Mom: Yeah, I mean I think having an award is better than not having an award, right?

Me: Right.

Mom: Now you can't trick me! You can't just make somebody up!

Me: Okay

Mom: And it has to be a boy! I know you tricky girls!

You Life Will Be Ended

2010-09-01T04:14:00.000-08:00

Ladies,

Sorry that I do not have time to translate for you, but please save it for yourself now. Pleas eremember to ask for the translation when we talk.

It contains health habits which we did many wrongs which need to correct as soon as possible.

1. do not sleep after meal for sure. 6 hr. later , then go to sleep. If you are tired, sleep first, then eat later.

2. PMS case is a serious body warning for woman . Please start to help your from correct digestive system problem first.

I remember Joy has more problem of the digestive system. Please call me , will be easier to talk to you than wirting English. Please excuse me.

3. After exercise, DO NOT Drink water right away. Rest for a while, at least 3 min. Then sip warm water, not over 300.cc [ 1 cup] , just a little bit a time. It has reasons, I will tell you. If you drink a lot water quickly after work out which damages heart.

4. Exercise generates gas [fart], wait for your gas passes, then drink water, will be safer, still never drink cold water after exercise., esecially in cold days, never drink ice water!!!! after exercise.

Remember swimers? Never jump into water after you just come out of a sweaty , hard exercise. your heart will stop, you life will be ended.

love,

mama

The anthem continues....

2009-10-11T08:57:00.002-08:00

Adding on to the previous excitement created by alexa and mommy's anthem singing session....

Me: Hi Mom, I heard you guys are singing the anthem at work
Mom: Yes, the chinese team practiced twice and now we sing it very well. We know all the words
Me: That's great.
Mom: Yu Zhen told me a story about her friend who forgot his passport and to get back into the US from Mexico he stood tall and sang all four verses of the national anthem by heart. Allen was inspired by this story too and he said he will go learn the words
Me: that is funny
Mom: I have a fun game! For Christmas, let's sing the national anthem!
Me: can't we just sing carols?
Mom: anthem AND carols!!
Me: O...k....
Mom: AND! I will give $50 to anyone who can sing all four verses by heart! It must be ALL FOUR!
Me: wow....
Mom: But i am gererous! If you can sing two verses I give $10. If you sing three I will give $15. And if you can sing FOUR I give $50
Me: what are you going to do if we all get it right?
Mom: I am prepared!! I will give $200 to this cause!!!
Me: Ok, this is quite odd.
Mom: ODD?! NO! EXCITING!! we are POSITIVE people now! EXCITING!
Me: Ok, exciting..
Mom: you can tell xing xing and xing di too! (our cousins) I will prepared to give ALL SIX of you $50
Can you tell everyone so I don't have to type an e-mail
Me: Ok....... sure......

Alexa and I have decided instead we will break out into the Communist China national anthem to shake things up... what will we get for that? maybe -$50. (It's actually MUCH easier to sing than the US anthem anyways.... who doesn't love a good little ditty about Chairman Mao?)

No Means No

2009-10-08T15:36:00.002-08:00

A phone call:
note: my mom is somewhat tone deaf and sounds like a cat stuck in a windsock when she sings.

mom: alexa! we are going to sing the national anthem at work on friday. all of us chinese people said that we are going to go home and do our homework so we can sing the national anthem with pride and not seem like foreigners. i don't know the words and tune!
me: you can look them up online.
mom: yes, on youtube?
me: wow, yes! very good.
mom: but i want to hear you sing it for me. will you sing it with me? i don't know how the words go with the tune very well.
me: oh say can you see...
mom: OH say can you SEEEE!!!
we sing the anthem.
together: ...and the home of the braaAAAVE
mom: what are ramparts? what does gallant mean? why are they streaming?
me: ramparts, like a fort. gallant is like brave. streaming, you know, like streaming.
mom: hey! you know how to sing "singing in the rain!" will you sing that?
me: yeah, i could, but i'm actually at a friend's house, and this is probably weird already...
mom: oh. okay. just real fast?
me: i'm singing in the rain...
mom: just singing in the rain...
me: what a glorious feeling i'm happy again...singing just singing in the rain
mom: no it's "...and i'm ready for love"
me: okay - and i'm ready for love
mom: hey! what about somewhere over the rainbow!
me: mom!
mom: okay you can't
me: okay
mom: please? just start me off!
me: somewhere over the rainbow...
mom: someWHERE over the RAIN-BOW
together: ...dare to dream really do come true.
mom: no, it's "once in a lullaby!"
me: okay fine
together: once in a lullaby
mom: okay haha bye!

friend: so what was going on there?
me: my mom has to sing the anthem at work.
friend: right.

listening problems?

2009-10-06T15:07:00.001-08:00

conversation i just had with mom on the phone:

"HIII did you have fun in BEIJING??"
"yes"
"did you have fun in beijing?"
"yup"
"did you have fun in beijing?"
"MOM- i said YEESSS"

seriously... its like talking to a parrot

Animal Zoo vs. Asian Zoo

2009-09-30T19:59:00.007-08:00

I went home to entertain my mom this weekend.

"Alexa, do you want to play a game with me?"
"What's that?"
"Well, when you leave home, you call me and say, 'falafel.' Then, when you get to your destination, you call me and say, 'hummus.'"
"Haha, okay...why are we speaking in code?"
"For FUN!!!"

The highlights of hummusing this weekend were visiting the zoo, home of new baby giraffes, and Hmart, mecca to all Asian grocery lovers.

The zoo was fun. We like animals. The Houston zoo has new baby giraffes!
Okapis are related to giraffes. They are silly-looking creatures. This one was particularly showy, as it wanted to walk right up to the fence and poop for us.

"Alexa! Take a picture! No, closer! He's not done! He's going to poop! Hurry, this is so nan-de (rare opportunity)!"

Okapis have tongues so long that they can lick their own eyeballs. That's not all they can lick.

Afterwards, we went to Hmart, where we just happened upon Asian Food Festival Weekend. This phrase actually means "sample stands every 2 feet all across the giant grocery store." The place was so packed that it was impossible to move at a pace any faster than a saunter, and every two seconds we lost our shopping cart because we had abandoned it to chase down the next sample stand.

"Alexa! Let's eat! Here. Here is your lunch."
She hands me rice wrapped in seaweed on a toothpick.
"Thanks."

We took the food festival very seriously, as we did not fail to miss even one sample stand in the store. At the end, when I was tired from sampling:
rice drink
grape juice
aloe vera drink
many varieties of vinegar drink
ramen
okonomiyaki
rice with furikake
tuna sashimi
many varieties of kim chi
kim chi pizza
rice cakes
fish cakes
salmon with miso
cold soba noodles
mochi ice cream
dried crab and squid
seaweeds
tofu with sesame dressing
yogurt drink
asian meatballs
potstickers

...she pulled me into an aisle to "show me something." "Something" turned out to be the sample stands of chestnut-filled pancakes and yakisoba. We sampled those too.

What was truly amazing was that even though the place was so packed with people, checking out was surprisingly breezy because all of the people were not actually buying things; they were sample-hopping for as long as we had been. When we finally left, I looked at my watch and realized that we had spent as long at Hmart as we had at the zoo.

"Alexa, Hmart won. We bought a lot of stuff. Ha! Ha!"

So, the weekend was a success.
We even developed a new language:
"Okay, so we have code words 'falafel' and 'hummus.' What else do we need?"
"Do we need other code words?"
"What about for when we need to pee? Wasabi?!"
"Haha, that's good. It even sounds like 'pee.'"
"Yes, yes what else. What about when we're looking for a place to eat?"
"Can we just say, 'I'm hungry?'"
"Yeah I guess. Oh if we need water, we say 'sushi!'"
"Okay, sushi."
"Alexa, your to-fa (hair) smells. What's the code for that?"
"Well obviously that's 'tofu.'"
"Why are all these words food?"

be "young"

2009-09-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

Lookinng forward to view your China Trip Album.
You and th eMr. Handsome will only be this "young" once. We are aging every minute. How to keep your youth ful face ?

PICTURES!!!!!

Mama

black socks...

2009-08-13T20:29:00.003-08:00

while in the car on spring cypress mom is talking about marriage and babies for the one millionth time this week.

mom: don't forget that eric has to come ASK ME for your hand in marriage
mel: ok..
mom: and he has to come to my house.
mel: ok....
mom: and he has to bring me a present
mel: how is this all about you?
mom: i rasied you!
mom: and... buy me dinner...
mom: and wear a suit and tie
mel: what? no. that is ridiculous. no one wears ties to people's houses
mom: WHY NOT? he cannot wear shorts and flip flops
mel: no. i "ju jue" this (reject in chinese). you are a "bao....." (i forget how to say tyrant in chinese)
mom: HA HA you do not even know how to say it!
mom: and i will prepare 10 questions for him
mel: are you kidding me?
mom: you said he is good at taking test - so i will test him!
mel: ANYTHING ELSE?!
mom: ha- if you say that i will just keep thinking of things!
mom: tell him to wear socks.... black...socks.

she looks pleased and completely justified in her thoughts...... and i pray she will forget this conversation forever.

product letter intro

2009-08-07T05:05:00.003-08:00

We pay our cell phone bill as a family. Every month, I log into the verizon account, check our balance, divide it 5 ways, and then notify the paying family members through email what the amount due is.

This month, my mom responded with this:

I am very appreciated you are doing this service to me. A bill paying time is a happy reunion time in the air, something to talk about. Especially when kids grow out of the nest, not much common ground to bring us in unless church time. I thank the Verizon and also my discount benefit CIRCLE US together. Let us enjoy it!!!Thank you again.

Thanks, Verizon.
You're welcome, Mom.

shrimp roofies

2009-08-04T19:55:00.001-08:00

My kids,

Shell fish and shrimp[or craw fish in Texas] have high As2O5. When eat that and eat with vit C or high C juice [Orange juice] , any high C drink together, or eat close together , chemicals will change to As2O3 [Arsenic compound].

The below article[in Chinese ] talked about the girl died after took daily Vit C , then ate shrimps . Blood bled through eyes, ears, nose and mouth.

Study came out that her stomach had Arsenic compound[ As2O3]. Arsenic caused all organs and cells died, the capilarities relaxed, that was why blood came out. The study was done in University of Chicago.

Be careful when you go to party and eat Shrimp cooktail, you may take a orange juice or any high C drink. Small amount may not kill you on the spot, but i know Arsenic, will not come out of your body, it accumulates inside, gradually. Eventually die slowly.
mama

grandpoopies

2009-07-19T11:30:00.003-08:00

Mom: Alexa, when are you going to have a grandchild for me?
Me: I could start tomorrow if you like. Actually, I could have one for you tomorrow.
Mom: Don't try to fool me! I would know that that is poop and not a baby!

no additional comments needed

2009-07-19T11:25:00.001-08:00

an email:

I heard this on-line: when you go shopping clothes, be careful inside the dressing room.
Espically outside the USA, Girls, women dissaperard, from the room , throught inside walls. Their hands, feet were cut off when people found them, or in a hell like cage and locked, or forced to do hellish show , no limbs. They were lucky, people found them, some never found forever. The world became wire now. Anyway, when go out , do not go alone. please. you are so curt and young.

what is she trying to tell us?

2009-07-14T16:28:00.002-08:00

So Allen apparently learned how to make homemade pulled chinese noodles and mom called to say:
" Allen made these noodles they are so good! And when you come home he can teach us all! And then you can teach your children! And then all the grandchildren will play together and make these noodles together! And they will sit around and say, ' look at my noodle! i made it! ha ha! it is mine!' "

Graduation Part II

2009-06-12T15:13:00.002-08:00

Joy graduated for real! We are so proud of her, our little chu-chu.

Melodie wisely chose the first activities for the weekend to be eating Japanese ramen followed by a Japanese supermarket marathon.

Japanese Ramen place:
Mom: Hah? We are eating ramen? Don't you buy that for 10 cents?
Melodie: No, it's different.
Mom: Whatever, those Japanese.
Mom: Alexa! I saved you the chocolate truffle I got at church for Mother's Day!
Me: Oh, thank you.
*I give Mom a kiss* You know, I didn't give Melodie one of those.
Mom: No, I didn't give Melodie the chocolate.

Outside the Japanese Ramen place:
Mom: Let's take a picture! Look how green this tree is! Get in the car and I'll take a picture of you two in the car and the green tree!
Me: Okay!
Mom: No, lean out more this way. Yeah, like that. Now, Melodie, I can't see you. Lean out farther.
Melodie: Is this good?
Mom: No, farther.
Melodie leans out farther.
Mom: Why don't you just get out of the car. What am I taking a picture of? I can't even see it. Ha ha.

Japanese Store #1:
Mom: LOOK AT THIS GRATER! Do you want it?
Me: No.
Mom: WHAT WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT IT? LOOK what it DOES!
Me: Yes, I want it.

Japanese Store #4:
Melodie: Hey Mom, there's fish over here if you want to eat that later tonight.
Mom: HEY LOOK at this fish! I am going to get this to eat later tonight.
Melodie: Yep.
Mom: Oh get THIS one it is the biggest! Hah! And they priced them all the same! $3.50! I am going to get the biggest one!
A few minutes later:
Mom: LOOK AT THIS GRATER! Do you want it?
Me: No.
Mom: WHAT WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT IT? LOOK what it DOES!
Me: Yes, I want it.

Later in the hotel:
Mom: This fish head is all bones! It's all bones! And I got the biggest one...I feel cheated.
Melodie: It cost $3.50!!

We went to Joy's graduation. The graduating class was so tiny, but those Folklorians talk so much. Mommy and Uncle Thomas counted Asian people.

Mom: Q-i-n-g! I think that one's Chinese.
Uncle Thomas: Cantonese?
Mom: Possibly. Look at this name; I think it's Korean.

Since eating is the only activity we really do as a family, we also visited the Ferry Building. It is the place of wonders. It is the Disneyworld of foods.

Mom: I am going to get these cucumbers. They are Persian cucumbers. Look how good and crunchy they are. Cucumbers are good for you. They clean your system. I am going to get these cucumbers. It comes in a big pack so we can all have some.

On the walk back to the car:
Mom: Does anyone want a cucumber? They are Persian cucumbers.
Collectively: No, thanks.

In the car:
Mom: Does anyone want a cucumber? They are Persian cucumbers.
Collectively: No, thanks.
Mom: I am going to eat a cucumber.

At the Japanese garden:
Mom: Does anyone want a cucumber? They are Persian cucumbers.
Collectively: No, thanks.

In the car again:
Mom: Does anyone want a cucumber? They are Persian cucumbers.
Collectively: No, thanks.
Mom: I am TIRED of carrying these cucumbers!!
Me: Give me a cucumber.

Eventually, we had to say goodbye to Oakland's Chinatown, which Mom has deemed to be the future destination for all family vacations (once she got over the fear of being shot there) because of its high-flying Taiwan flags and small eateries. Because of these discoveries, we pretty much ate nonstop from the moment we landed in California up until the moment we left.

The last night, we went to the grocery store to buy Joy some food for the week. By this time, Oakland Chinatown would soon shut down and our flight was early in the morning.

Mom: Wait, we're not going to get breakfast in the morning?
Melodie: We're about to go to the store. You can get something there.
Mom: But what am I going to eat in the morning? GOOD GRIEF!

Free Germs

2009-05-07T14:18:00.003-08:00

voice messages from mom:

Hi Melodie-
I just wanted to remind you that with all the epidemics you have to be careful when going to parties to not put you hands in the snack mixes..unless it is piping hot soup. you never know who is touching those things. i don't eat samples from the grocery store anymore. sometimes we want free food, but instead we get free germs. even at church i take the bread from the very end of the sacrement tray. of course, god will bless the sacrement, but still should be careful.

Hi Melodie-
I just wanted to remind you that when we travel to california this time we have to be really careful with safety. In the chinese radio, oh wait..no..NPR there was this story about a little girl and everything was fine and then she got in a car accident. its like a tree when it is healthy and then its limbs are broken but it continues to live.

grandchildren, finally

2009-05-06T08:12:00.002-08:00

mom: alexa! i'm calling to congratulate you!
me: oh, why?
mom: ducky and aussie had a baby!
me: DID they? i did not realize what they were doing behind my back.
mom: YES! i am taking care of it. they asked me to.
me: oh that's very kind of you, thank you.
mom: yes. do you want to name it?
me: sure
mom: i think i will name it "aishah."
me: aishah? how do you know that name? do you know someone with that name?
mom: nooo! it's how you spelled your name in your last email: a-e-l-x-a
me: oh that does not spell aishah.
mom: no? then how do you spell aishah?
me: a-i-s-h-a-h
mom: hah? you're so smart. a-s-i--
me: a-i-s--
mom: a-e-s-h-i--
me: a-i-s-h--
mom: why don't i just name it "ai-easter" since easter just passed?
me: that's ugly.
mom: yeah, that's ugly.

Cowboys & Indians, Farmers & Pirates

2009-04-24T06:45:00.003-08:00

"Sure you could have married the farmer, but you wanted to marry someone cool like the pirate!"

On the phone (again) last night:
mom: i bought april a birthday card. guess what's on it. guess!
me: umm...i don't know.
mom: you don't remember that thing? that one time when we laughed really hard?
me: i'll remember if you tell me...!
mom: it has pirates on it. she likes pirates, right?
me: sure, april likes pirates! (i mean, who doesn't.)
mom: yeah! this is great. do you want me to sign your name in the card too?
me: sure mom, that sounds great. but our birthdays aren't for another 9 months.
mom: yeah, you might have to remind me.
me: okay, i'll try to remind you, but it is a long time away.
mom: i hear a BOY sound in the background...
me: you DO hear a boy sound.
mom: is it a real boy? or is it a boy sound?
me: it's a REAL boy.
mom: do you think he's a pirate?
me: oh, yeah, he is definitely a pirate.
mom: ha-ha! i knew it!
me: yes. i actually need to go so i can take care of this pirate.
mom: okay! be cool with the pirate!
me: alright, mom!
mom: be smart!

My advise to you

2009-04-24T06:21:00.004-08:00

my triathlon training has given mom a whole new set of things to be worried about. she calls about once a day to tell me about a new concern she has for my health.
"don't break a tendon," she cautions.
"alexa, you've never run a marathon," she reminds me.
and my personal favorite, "alexa, don't try to break any records!"

the other night, her own sickness reminded her of all the possible things that could go wrong with my health in the very near future due to this triathlon:
me: hi, mom.
mom: i'm siiick.
me: oh i'm sorry to hear that.
mom: yes.
me: why don't you go to bed early?
mom: yes i am. you need to rest too with your training.
me: yeah, i do rest a lot.
mom: yeah, and take care of your knees! do you think you can wear knee pads while you run? you need to protect them they are very important.
me: sure.
mom: and for the swim, what do you wear when you swim?
me: well i haven't actually done open water swimming yet, but we'll be in a lake and i'll wear some sort of suit.
mom: okay buy the best suit you can. don't be cheap on it! there are a lot of germs in the water. don't drink it either! it is dirty. and don't get distracted while you swim; you might choke. when you get out of the swimming, is there a place to take a warm shower? can you take a warm shower after the swim?
me: um, yeah.
mom: yeah, that would be good. and you should pack chicken soup.
me: right.
mom: okay good. and don't try to keep up with april! april is a very. big. girl.
me: okay, mom.
mom: okay i'm going to bed goodbye.

5 minutes later the phone rings again:
me: hey mom
mom: yeah-what about when you're biking? what if you fall off? do you wear elbow pads? do you think you should wear elbow pads?
me: i could wear elbow pads...
mom: yeah-and does your orthopedist know that you're training for a triathlon?
me: no.
mom: no?? you should tell her. will you call me this weekend and tell me what she said?
me: no.
mom: NO?!?! WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL HER WHY WOULDN'T YOU DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH AND YOUR HAN--
me: okay, i'll call her.
mom: okay thank you goodnight.

i'm not going to call her.

i like you for always

2009-04-09T08:47:00.001-08:00

an email exchange:

me:
mom,
do you remember if you claimed me as a dependent for 2008? I think that's what we said, but i wanted to check.

mom:
YES. The time flies, I love to claim you forever.

Friends Don't Let Friends Have Dry Skin

2009-04-05T08:49:00.002-08:00

Mommy's always been concerned with how dry my skin is. "You only have one skin for your whole life!"
"That's not true," I tell her, "I actually have many, many layers of skin."
Her concern remains.

Today, I was curled up in a ball on the bed at the hotel room with Gan-Ma standing close by.
Mom: Ai-ya, Alexa! Your skin is so dry! Quick! Put this almond oil on!
*Gan-Ma starts putting some almond oil on my back
Mom: Alexa, I suggest you and a good friend get a bottle of almond oil from Whole Foods, and you guys can help each other apply the oil all over each other's bodies.
*I erupt with laughter*
Gan-Ma: Hah? You're so ticklish?
Me: I'm not laughing at that. I'm laughing at her.
Mom: What did I say now?
Me: I don't really put oil all over my friends' bodies...
Mom: What kind of bad friends do you have?
Me: I just don't think it's something I'd do with friends...
Gan-Ma: Oh, I get it. It's because you said "all over your bodies."
Mom: Well you don't have to put it all over your body. You can put it on the parts you don't want your friend to touch (motioning over her boobies).
Me: I just don't see that happening (I'm still laughing).
Mom: I thought you had good friends.

the gays

2009-03-24T15:39:00.005-08:00

scene: lunch at nice-ish vietnamese restaurant with mommy, joy, and melly:

waiter: are you ready to order?
mom: WA-TER
waiter: um- are you ready to order?
mom: oh, yes i do.
waiter: i'll come back in a few minutes

after mom comes back from the restroom:
mom: i found these magazines. i don't know what they are.
joy: its titled "Out Smart" mom. See this byline that says "gay judges for justice?"
mel: and this title that says "GLBT"? whenever you see this acronym it means gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender
mom: oOOoooh i did not know that. "They" have magazines? what do they write about? someone at my office said i was lesbian b/c i only am friends with women. i never thought people think that. do you think that people might think that?
joy and mel: no mom, very doubtful.

later, we come home and are unloading groceries and such. mommy is putting away grociers and such and along with these things she takes out the magazine which we did not know she kept and says, "oh, my gay magazine!"

chinese new year and other lunar calendar festivities

2009-01-30T13:36:00.004-09:00

chinese new year:

we've established that mom is crazy. but sometimes she is also cute.
mom: for new years, you are supposed to make a whole fish from head to tail.
me: yeah we were just talking about that. i don't know if i know how to make a whole fish though.
mom: oh, it is easy! just steam it with salt, pepper, green onions, and wine.
me: yeah, but then i'd have a whole fish.
mom: okay, then you make a cake, and then cut it into the shape of a fish! and you can make it scales and decorate it!
me: oh! that's a great idea!

so for chinese new years, my roommates and i enjoyed this:

other lunar calendar festivities:

mom: you know, today is my birthday!
me: no it's not, your birthday isn't for another week.
mom: no! it's december 25th!
me: no, i'm pretty sure it's january 20th...
mom: no, on the lunar calendar! it is 5 days before the chinese new year! that's my birthday!
me: oh, i didn't know that.
mom: yeah! and today, obama became president! isn't that something?
me: that is something.
mom: yes. i am going to celebrate tonight and eat some noodles. you eat some noodles too!
me: okay, i will.
mom: eat them through your nose!

Chu-Chu!

2008-11-22T08:39:00.002-09:00

Joy, you are in the finising stage of your work. We all cheering up for you. Baobao, Weipo they all told me to say hi to you. Fuel your brain with sleep and fuel your body with proper food, make your chu-chu train going and SING' Yes. I can, yes. I can-----Chu-chu-chu---. Then you will climb over the Moutain. Picture yourself the day you finish the paper. Happy happy. It is all yours. The hardest time for the tough you to swim through. You have the spirit of determination, you are born with IT. We all love you unconditionally.
____________________

Yes Joy- in case you were wondering... we love you unconditionally b/c you were born with IT.

one for the books

2008-11-07T09:25:00.002-09:00

Mom:
Our home in DEC. : I take one room, Allen takes one room. Sally takes one room. Joy, Melodie and Alexa in Melodie room. Three of them can lay cross way on Queen size bed. Will that work? Or Alexa come to sleep with me. I know Joy and Melodie will not want to on my bed. Am I right ?
**Anyway, my mind is thinking how to have an arrangement when I have house-full of young adults. EXCITING TIME !!!!!

Alexa to the whole family:
I have a better idea:
Why don't NONE of us sleep in beds, and then we will just camp out in our backyard?! It'll be like that family campout we never went on. Melodie loves camping. It is her favorite! And we can sing songs around the campfire and we'll roast marshmallows and, mom, you can bring the electric stove and we'll boil sausage like that time we camped out in the bathroom when they were changing our counters. Now THAT's exciting.

Allen to the siblings only:
That sounds like a lot of fun. But where will you get the tent? I thought Melodie hated camping cause she can't wash her hair. Is this a new hobby? If so I can give her some of my camping equipment so she can use it in Chicago.

Joy in response, to the siblings only:
Honey,Alexa is being funny.
Though, I bet if we did have a tent, I might sleep in it for a night, just for fun...and depending on how insulated the sleeping bag.
I actually get kinda hungry when I think about that day in the bathroom. We ate a lot of sausage. It's kind of ridiculous how many I remember us eating.

Mom to Alexa:
Will the temp too low to sleep outside? I think to play ourside is fun, a great idea, not to fall to sleep soundly. Houston ground is too wet to sleep on. some wild animals may come, remeber? The parson[PG]** came, you and I were scared. We can talk to Don , he may help us to do some TEXAS Style. We do not want injuries .Someone like me can NOT do Texas grilling.

Alexa to the sibs:
hahahahaha

hahahaha

haha

Allen to sibs:
That day in the bathroom was one of the best days of my childhood. I don't think there were many days that I had more fun as a family as that day. TO this day anytime I have sausage or just food with sausages in it, I think of that day. My children and all my nieces and nephews will eat have a eat sausage with me experience!

Mom to Alexa:
I like your creative idea which will give me a reason to eat sausages. Let us eat german food on 12/26/08. Sausages, saukwart, beats, German bread, to bake apple tart? Actually is a very good idea to cook outside, to enjoy MY winter garden!!!! Let us tease our cat, Sandy. Buy some fish meat an dcall her name, let us to eat with us togehter. She is so old, how spoil we can do to her? hahaha-----To make her to eat crazy. mama

End scene.

** “parson [PG]” = “possum (spelling?)”

I am sorry, body

2008-09-10T12:01:00.002-08:00

I have two broken bones. No doubt this has caused a lot of you-should-be-eating-this conversations with Mom. In addition to her instructions on how to make ox tail soup (eat bones to grow bones), she is also sending me calcium pills and "trauma detox" drops from the homeopathic doctor.

Me: Mom, I just want to know what this "trauma detox" is. It doesn't even have ingredients on it, not even "dried cow berry essence" or anything. All it says is, "Take for 15 days, 2 times a day." This is what all of his drops say! And they all taste the same!
Mom: I know, Alexa. You can call them and ask.
Me: But if you don't even know what it is, why do you take it?
Mom: Well, what I have learned is that this kind of medicine is a way of acknowledging to your body that yes, I have treated you badly and I am sorry, but now I am going to fix it. It is this kind of energy that will allow your spirit and your body to be in harmony, and you will get better more completely.

I find it fascinating that a person who has trouble understanding the "compose email" button can understand such an abstract concept.

Her interpretation of the world is just very unique. Take this email regarding my homeopathic package, for example:

Please write a "written" permission to the UPS deliver person to post on your door, to give him/her the permission to leave your package in front of your door. Then He/she will do that and take your "Written" note back to office as a proof. Without a written proof , the driver will not do it. WRITE a BIG THANK YOU NOTE. HOPE the DRIVER will be nice to follow your HUMBLE REQUEST.[see bolow, P.S.
Also the package will be either staying at their customer center or with request , the package will retun to me. I have to pay another postage too.
Let me know you read this email.
P.S. You may want to put a box in front of your door, elavated, then put some scotch tape for the driver, hope he/she will tape it to secure the box, . I hope your apt dog will not chew your package or eat it.

hi mom
i read it. your PS doesn't make any sense, but i don't think getting the package will be a problem at all. thanks!

Why? I am afraid YOUR AUNTS will get it before you!!! Your Dog may eat it too. See????

Mother in the Bay Area

2008-05-29T20:02:00.002-08:00

because mother wandered off the day before:
mel: remember we are on the buddy system! touch your buddy!!
alexa touches melodie
mel: touch your buddy mom!
mom: OOHH! touch your BUDDY... i was touching my BODY

walking outside of Pier 1 on Embarcadero and passing a homeless man pushing around a large cart of stuff:
mom: what is this guy?
alexa: he has no home
mom: his "home" looks pretty big to me!

passing gas station 76:
mom: when i first moved to the US in 1976 i saw this gas station and thought "wow! america is really cool! it changed the gas station sign for the year!"

after going to Trader Joe's for the first time:
mom: i think we need to go to Joe Traders again
us: its Trader Joe's mom
next time
mom: i think we need to go to Joe Traders again

2008-05-19T04:45:00.004-08:00

alexa and melly used to look much more different. but she loved melly so much... she started to morph into her as the years passed...

2008-05-11T19:57:00.001-08:00

mom: the internet doesn't work anymore!!
mel: where is the modem?
mom: what modem?
mel: the little box..that is about this big...and has these little blinking lights
mom: oh..... maybe i threw it away....
mel: that would be why the internet is not working.

awesome

2008-03-27T16:50:00.001-08:00

Do you know where is your prom dress? I do not . How fun!!!! Please take many pictures. Are you taking your ducky/ Aussie home? I think Aussie miss me=).I like freezebee. It flies like a bee, z---z---z--. When you catch it, It freezes.

interview tips

2008-03-13T21:34:00.001-08:00

"shake from your heart, to your hand, to his heart, to his hand... and then look in his eyes, and he will give you the job!"

2008-03-03T04:37:00.002-09:00

Hi mom.
Hi! What are you doing?
Just hanging out.
HANGING OUT?
Yeah, hanging out- i watched some tv, i took a nap....
Hanging out is a luxury.
Well, i guess i live a luxurious life.

This conversation reminded me of how we had to do all of our "hanging out" in secret as children

morbid things she says on her bday

2008-02-01T18:52:00.000-09:00

"don't be afraid, if i die- i'll just go to heaven"
"well, danny had this and he didn't die"
"don't wait until i die to think about what God says"

wackipedia

2008-01-06T17:42:00.001-09:00

due to the ever-growing popularity of the internet, encyclopedias have basically become obsolete. realizing this, mommy decided that it was time to say goodbye to our loved '93 World Book Encyclopedias.
we loaded them up in my car and took them to Doerre Intermediate to be recycled (are the covers recyclable? i hope so.)

"goodbye, world books!" we said as we threw them in.

At home, 15 minutes later:
mom: i have to admit that i am sad that we threw the world books away.
me: i know, me too. we got good use out of them over the years though.
mom: i'm sad because my uncle's face is in the encyclopedia.
me: you could have saved that page.
mom: oh! you're right! should we go back and get it? let's go back and get it.
me: okay, let's go.

On the way back to Doerre:
mom: you know, i didn't ever call my uncle to tell him that i mailed him bong-g-ers for christmas.
me: oh yeah, we didn't attach a special note when we got it shipped.
mom: yeah. maybe i should call him and tell him that i sent him bong-g-ers.
me: mom, the "g" is silent.
mom: bong-g-ers?
me: bongers, like in "ying er tang."
mom: bonners?
me: bongers!
mom: bong-g-ers?
me: bongers! bong-g-ers? is it bong-g-ers? bongers! oh gosh i don't know how to say it anymore!
mom: (while looking at the cafeteria lights lovingly) I love Doerre.

i stopped driving because i was laughing too hard and couldn't keep my eyes open.
mom: hurry! before someone sees us and calls the police!

I jumped in the recycling dumpster to rescue our uncle, only to find that his picture wasn't actually published in any of the encylopedias. but his name does appear 3 times in 3 separate books; we're keeping all 3.

great balls of fire

2007-12-21T12:26:00.000-09:00

mommy and i were eating lunch and she spotted a squirrel in the backyard. you know how she loves watching the little critters back there.
and it sparked this lovely conversation:

mommy: how do you think you can tell if it's a mommy squirrel or a daddy squirrel?
me: you pick it up, flip it over, and say, "where are you, wee wee?!"
mommy: haaah? i don't think i know what a squirel's looks like. do you know?
me: no, i bet you could look it up.
mommy: yes, google "squirrel wee wee" and see what you get...*bing* pornography sites!
me: yep, that is probably what you would get.
mommy: i do wonder what it looks like though. i know what a dog's looks like, and cow, and horse, and cats...a cat's look like hemorrhoids in the back.
me: hemorrhoids?!
mommy: yes.

tis the season to cook and eat excessively

2007-12-03T12:01:00.000-09:00

with our powers combined

2007-11-12T06:46:00.000-09:00

a phone conversation:
melodie: ...so before we were weather storms, and now we are the elements. work on that.
alexa: okay, i think allen would have to be earth. he's kinda dirty.
melodie: yeah and joy would have to be wind.
alexa: i think i get water.
melodie: so what am i?
alexa: you're fire.
melodie: why am i always flashy and burning people?
alexa: haha, and mom can be heart!
melodie: oh i didn't realize we were doing captain planet.
alexa: i guess that makes daddy captain planet?

2007-11-04T19:00:00.000-09:00

Soorry ,Kids.

in the letter to Joy, I wanted to say risk factors but I typed "Rick factors" I hoped you firured it out already. Did you see it?

mama

lions and tigers and bears

2007-10-05T11:20:00.000-08:00

through email correspondence:
me:
someone told me i look like a tiger yesterday, what do you think? haha.

mom:
If you ask me? I think you look lovely all the time. Maybe the person meant you look like a cat, a big cat is a tiger.

Were you mean to him[her]? In Chinese conversation if a person was labled as a tiger, especially to a woman, it is a insult. It meant the woman is hysterically mean. I hope you are not!!!!

should i be offended?

2007-09-26T07:32:00.000-08:00

at the end of mom's email:
"I heard Toronto temp.will be much cooler than Houston. If I do not have enough, I just wear your big fat clothes, if you still have some left."

no clue

2007-08-13T14:18:00.000-08:00

"Everythin of positive side. No need to dig any stinking grave ugly stuff out.The worle is full of junk. the world needs more positive addition for nextgeneration to have good expection."

AMEN.

Melodie is so considerate

2007-07-31T19:05:00.001-08:00

Thanks. Melodie, you are a very thoughful person, No wonder your boss said you are a magic. But be careful, do not overload others stuffon you which is thiers to learn. Even you did it, take time to recoveryourself, do it with a perfection in God's ( Human perfection satisfactionhas a hidden pride in side, which is devil's disguise to people) attitude,never do it in a being pushed mode which is the most poisoneous chemical toyour body. Thought it through and relax. Human body has limit. Do not makeyourself aged faster than you normal speed. Worn out is a sign of a goodequipment, but even excellent machine, has running life. Do it slower, willlive longer. Got it?

---------

wise words from the mother ship

needy girlfriend

2007-07-17T16:10:00.000-08:00

"hi mom, just calling to see how you're doing"
"oh hi. do you have anything you want to ask me?"
"no...is there anything i should ask you?"
"well if you're really calling to see how i'm doing, then you would have things you want to ask me."
"...can i go make dinner?"
"well my fingers are still numb..."

wolves

2007-07-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

So the conversation on wolves pretty much went like this:

Mom: There are two wolves. One with bad virtues and one with good virtues. WHICH wolf do you want to win?
Me: WHAAAAT?!?!?
Mom: Do you want me to repeat it?
Me: NOOOOOO. DO NOT REPEAT.
Mom: Are you going to answer- which wolf do you want to win?
Me: Fine, the good one- of course the good one.
Mom: Okay, then HOW do you know it will win?
Me: WHAT?
Mom: You don't know the answer? I will give it to you.
Me: Fine, fine. You need to know what causes the good and bad things.
Mom: No, you need to know what to FEED which one.
Me: that's what i said.
Mom: You being mean and yelling at me feeds the bad wolf.

time warp

2007-06-21T19:37:00.000-08:00

let's turn back to when i was about 4...
*alarm beeps*
me: mommy, the alarm beeped.
mommy: okay
me: what was it for?
mommy: sometimes i like to set a timer to see what 5 minutes feels like.

and now back to the present...
*cell phone alarm rings*
me: allen, your alarm went off.
allen: oh okay thanks.
me: what was it for? to celebrate the middle of the day?
allen: ...you know me too well...i have a 12:30 alarm so i know that half the day has passed.

still small voice

2007-06-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

mom would be pleased to know that i rarely go a day without hearing her voice.
every food and/or situation has a different mantra.

for example:
grapes = "fasteset sugar body can get!"
avocados = "good for protecting your stomach. only eat a little bit though, good fat."
nuts = "chew, chew, chew."
flaxseed = "grind it up so it's easier to digest."
microwave = "cancer! death! microwave water kill plants!"
cheese = "eat it like medicine."
agar = "tell me about your poop in the morning."
soda = "you will get cancer."
basil = "only eat once a month."
persimmon = "never eat with seafood."
ice = "bad for stomach. shock your system."
peeing = "drink water after peeing. replenish your system."
stomach pain = "press between your thumb and forefinger."
nasal pressure = "press the bridge of your nose."
neck pain = "acupuncture!"
back pain = "acupuncture!"
stomach pain = "acupuncture!"
foot pain = "acupuncture!"

see, i listen.

joy chicky again

2007-06-21T11:48:00.001-08:00

i was browsing the old entries and i saw the one about joy chicky...
so i wanted to say a few words about the joy chicky

this past weekend at home alexa opened joy chicky's cage in the car and out popped joy chicky...and she was all tiny and frazzled and the feathers were falling off and she coudln't stand up and just kind of flopped over....and while alexa and i were laughing uncontrollably and holding our sides and putting us all in danger b/c i was driving while this was going on...i just want joy to know that i hope she is not in peril danger as the joy chicky was suggesting..

its like that clock that mrs weasley has in harry potter where the clock tells her the status of each of her family members (man, what would mom give for that clock)...but the joy chicky is supposed to represent joy....so as mom would say "have confidence in yourself!"...don't let your feathers weigh you down!

i would also like to take this moment to apologize for the time that joy blacked out in the hallway and the living room while doing aerobics and in stead of running to her aid i fell over laughing...when we laugh at you we do it out of love joy....in the words of moulin rouge.....

"all you need is love."
"love is not a game"
"i was meant for loving you baby you were meant for loving me"
"the only way of loving me baby is to pay a lofty fee"

oh oops, i got carried away there

man, am i bored at work today

A funny story told by a funny girl

2007-06-21T11:19:00.000-08:00

I forgot to post this funny conversation with Alexa:

____________________
...and so then joy invited them into our pretty living roomwhere everyone lied about moving and they were confused about us moving, because they didn't know and then joy clarified that we weren't moving, but moving around
so they came in and sat down
joy, allen, and i entertained while mom refused to stop cooking for like 20 minutesi fed them juice and one of them picked up the chinese newspaper and pretended to read it
oh and we didn't have enough apple juice for 2 glasses, so i poured one grape and one apple
he knew the word "ren" (like man) and he kept pointing and going, "man!...man!...man!...hey, it's everywhere!"hahaand then once we finally got the lesson, when mom stopped cooking and everyone was kind of loopy because we'd already visited the cooks earlier in the afternoon
we had already had our external-family people fix, we weren't expecting more!
and mommy kept interrupting with nonrelated questions like "why do people not understand? why do they do bad things?"
i told her it was like wanting a hamburger even though you knew it was bad for you and the missionary agreed
and then allen had to hold back his southern drawal when he was reading things out loud
aaaand oh and then we got into a discussion about what "galvanize" means because joy thought it meant "to gut out"and at that thought allen and i were like-no way man!
and then mom and allen would get into discussions in chinese, excluding everybody
anyway, by the end i think they were weirded outand one of the elders asked joy to pray, and then mom goes, "yeah, you pray elder"and we laughed, but she had no idea
then they tried to leave, but mom chased them out with fortune cookies
yep, that almost covers it all
_______________________
classic tang event.....

fake smiles and happiness for all

2007-06-17T15:00:00.000-08:00

jump for jello

2007-05-27T12:51:00.000-08:00

today at lunch, allen brought up that jeff cook is dating a chinese girl from china.
this sparked possibly one of the best conversations ever:

allen: hey jeff's dating a chinese girl from china.
mom: i have THREE chinese girls! tell jeff to date one of my girls, they are chinese!
allen: no, mom, he's already dating a girl.
mom: oh, then tell jeff to date joy.
allen: NO, mom, jeff's already dating someone!
mom: jeff?
allen: joe?
mom: joe! look at that, joe, jeff, this whole time i was talking about joe but we were talking about jeff!
alexa: that's because all of the cook children's names start with j's. all 5 of them.
mom: well that's silly, how am i supposed to keep that straight? j, j, j, j,...hey! joy's name starts with j too! joy and jeff!
allen: NO! jeff has a girlfriend!
mom: joe?
allen: yes, joe.
mom: joy and joe! look! and only one letter apart! it just came to me, from god! it came to me! tell jeff to date joy when you go to hawaii.
allen: what am i supposed to do, go in and say, "hey, let me sleep here, oh and date my sister."
mom: yes! you can pray and ask god, he might say "yes, joy should date joe!" and only one letter apart, j-o-e, j-o-y... how come i didn't think of this before?
alexa: and then they could have all sorts of little children with j-names. jack, james...
allen: jon...jaimie...
mom: jello! haha! joy and joe will give birth to little jello!
alexa: and jam!
mom: jello and jam! jello is a boy and jam is a girl! jello and jam! jam and jello! jello, jam, joy, jeff.
allen: joe.

where's alexa?

2007-05-24T10:23:00.000-08:00

2007-05-08T17:02:00.000-08:00

true to form we are gathered around food at all hours of the night

red herring

2007-04-25T12:25:00.000-08:00

DEAR Alexa,
I can pay up to $1500 to EXXON. Let me know after you did it.
Thank you.
mom

hi mom
i paid it
alexa

Thank you.
Houston weather is bad.
mom

if we were korean

2007-04-20T20:41:00.000-08:00

i bought a book today called Happy Birthday or Whatever. It's written by a Korean author, and so far I've only read the first chapter, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to love the whole thing.
She's basically taken our idea of writing about her dysfunctional family. I know it's not an original idea, but still, I feel like she stole it.

A couple things made me laugh out loud. Like:
"...my parents use the phone as a 3,000-mile-long umbilical cord, and most of the time I want to strangle myself with it. My mother calls just to inform me that rice is on sale at Ralph's, but it's still cheaper to buy is at a Korean grocery store and how much is rice in New York and why do Americans eat Uncle Ben's, when he's not even Asian."

maybe all asian families are crazy. maybe all asians are crazy. maybe all families are crazy.

regardless, i still think we win the crazy contest.

Favorite email lines from Ma about Alexa's feet

2007-04-20T08:21:00.000-08:00

My" love" for youwill never change, no matter what. I can not "live" your life too. VisaVersa.

BUT IF YOU STILL GOING ON THIS WAY, NO REST, WHEN YOUR FEET ARE NOT WELL.YOUR FEET WILL STOP YOU. THE TIME WILL COME!!!!! I JUST HOPE LATER YOUSTILL CAN WALK.

Life actually goes on with/without you.[with /without me] . WE sometime wantto believe that others depend on us. Sometime it is our EAGLE playing thetricks on our mind.
-------------------------------------

i couldn't stop laughing at the office when i read these lines.... i mean ...alexa, this is not a laughing matter (as mom's words clearly express above) ... we must make you pillow shoes to protect your feet. i "love" you.

2007-04-10T18:16:00.000-08:00

look at joy....hi joy....

sick sick

2007-03-26T17:50:00.000-08:00

at a church activity, some people were reading quotes and then we talked about them.
i was sitting next to a girl who was reading one of the quotes, and a word in it was "receiving."
as soon as she read it, i thought to myself, "Man, i bet they spelled receiving wrong."
I looked over her shoulder to see if i was right, i was, and then i was like, "ha! i'm right!" and for a second i felt really triumphant.

and then i was really sad because i realized how horribly judgmental that is. what am i going to do with myself.

2007-03-16T16:14:00.000-08:00

i miss you guys!!!

Heresy

2007-03-08T16:30:00.000-09:00

This line from Sister Mortenson's email irks me:
"How are your kids doing.....any marriages that I don't know about?"

Is that the only thing in our lives that is of any importance?
She didn't ask, "How are your kids doing...is Alexa still making straight A's?"
or
"How are your kids doing...does Allen still love plants?"
or
"How are your kids doing...is Melodie still doubling the efficiency of corporate America?"
or
"How are your kids doing...is Joy still teaching? Oh, she's at grad school!"

Nope, we are born to be marriage machines.

But here's a little secret...
I don't want to date ever, I don't want to get married, and I definitely do not want children!

grey's speaks

2007-02-08T18:24:00.001-09:00

Grey's quote of the night:
"I ate everything out of the fridge last night, and I mean everything, including a tub of butter, there’s no judgment here.”

happy birthday?

2007-02-03T21:42:00.000-09:00

my birthday card from grandpa this year reads:

Dear Alexa,
Merely dreaming without planning and action means nothing but disappointment. While you shape your future, do have a workable plan. Failure or success shall be no other's job but your own.
Do hold the key to your destiny.
Dream does come true when you have a workable plan and work hard to achieve it.
Happy Birthday to you.

from
grandparents Winnie & Robert

...maybe he pays more attention than we thought!

go home

2007-01-22T20:38:00.000-09:00

there's this guy at church who's graduating in december and has snagged himself a freshman to marry.
he keeps referring to the situation by saying that he's "graduating from the single ward with honors, not failing out like some do."

i can't even explain how much his saying that disgusts me.
getting engaged is not an "achievement", and getting married is not something to be checked off the to-do list!
barf barf, you're marrying an 18 year old, old man.

confession #8475736

2007-01-15T07:08:00.000-09:00

we've already established the fact that i was a morbid child.
(we also all know that i still am a morbid human being. but that's beside the point)

so back in the day, i used to like to set booby traps.
once i was mad at allen, so i tried to make this trap for his panda bear. it didn't work and i was really upset.
the next time i tried to set a booby trap, i took a more direct approach. i took thumb tacks and nestled them into the carpet, pointy side up, so that one day some unsuspected walker would step their fleshy foot into my menacing thumb tack.

that didn't really work either; i stepped on the tack myself and had to call my days of booby trapping quits.

false hopes

2006-12-12T14:15:00.000-09:00

from the mother hen:
Do you need any extra space for your work? I hope you will have a
comfortable working condition at home too.

isn't that like the most hilariously unpractical hope ever?

preparing for xmas

2006-12-02T03:09:00.000-09:00

in preparation for rejoining as a family of chaos and anxiety... i shall post some pictures of our darling happy faces from previous occassions of joyous chaos and anxiety (all out of love of course)

anxiety attack

2006-11-27T23:44:00.000-09:00

in the next 2 weeks i have two term papers and a studio project that is synonymous with "despair" due. i'm ready to come home now.
my left hand won't stop tingling!

lexi and melodie conquer paris

2006-11-14T12:10:00.000-09:00

2006-11-04T16:21:00.000-09:00

it is for alexa, i promise

2006-10-12T19:17:00.000-08:00

i know you're thinking, "i cannot believe you just uploaded that picture"... but alexa told me she wanted to watch grey's with me....

sage-a-delic

2006-09-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

medolie: it is because everyone wants to see their driven afraid to be vulnerable side in christina
medolie: and everyone has that guy friend who is always in the "friend" zone- so they relate to george
medolie: everyone has known that guy who is kind of a jack ass but very good looking and occasionally charming so they are kind of friends with him even though they know he is a jerk- so they relate to alex.
medolie: and everyone wants to see their heart ache scenarios in meredith
gnataxela: no one else to cover?
gnataxela: derek?
gnataxela: he's just mcdreamy i guess
medolie: well derek is two things
medolie: derek is the oh so hot guy that you can't stop smiling at
medolie: but he's also that guy you love even though you know its bad for you and it makes you look pathetic
medolie: so back to the heart ache thing
medolie: and addison
medolie: she messed up
medolie: but she wants to make it right
medolie: so people relate to that too
medolie: and they are like, "shoudl we forgive her? should we? "
medolie: haha
medolie: so ya know- you have it covered
medolie: your heartache, your tough side, your boy "friend", your super hot love throb
medolie: all in one dramatic package full of controversial issues and heartbreaking medical drama
gnataxela: *applause*
medolie: *bow*
medolie: i have a very useful skill
medolie: a successful tv show is specific enough in the story
medolie: but generic enough so that people can take their non-unique lives and make it relate

you're invited

2006-09-24T12:27:00.000-08:00

yesterday, candace gave me the best compliment i've ever received in my life.
she said, "alexa, your skin is looking really good."

i don't think i've ever reacted so genuinely to a compliment before. i always said that when my skin cleared up i'd throw a party and everyone would be invited, and this means that i just might have to throw a clear skin party now.

everyone could come and bring their favorite salicylic acid or benzoyl peroxide product, a face mask, homemade avocado mixture, testimonials from proactiv...and then we'd glisten in our noncomodogenic beauty.

don't forget to chew

2006-09-20T04:36:00.000-08:00

Sllep well and tight. I am sorry that I disturbed all your sleeps in last 20
years. I am sinned. I am chianging.

love you
eat well balanced diet. Chew------ well , will prevent acid=felux in your
middle age life.

for sure.

mom

haha

2006-09-10T20:55:00.000-08:00

wuh-oh

2006-09-02T10:42:00.000-08:00

eating lunch with mom:

mom: where's ivan?
me: he's dead.
mom: ohh..no...

hey melodie, tom cruise is running around on tv!

postal paper

2006-08-25T16:12:00.000-08:00

i've noticed something while throwing away mail in our house--we don't ever open it, we just write notes on it.
notes, recipes, appointments...so we obviously see the mail, we just don't treat it like normal mail.

2006-08-17T09:48:00.000-08:00

while driving melodie to the airport:
mommy is sitting in the back seat b/c for some reason she likes sitting back there. Alexa adjusts the rear view mirror

Mommy: i seeee youuuuu

its funny i promise.... you just had to be there

mother, the subservient asian woman

2006-07-31T09:41:00.000-08:00

i like how mom likes to change her persona from story to story.
in some stories, she's the teacher's pet and the good granddaughter, in others she's the girl that runs around beating the schoolboys up and making them bleed.

in this story, she plays the part of the little surpressed tomboy:
I am so excited for you too.Alexa. I loved scoker sports and bat mitten , probably you kids never knew that. I was pretty suppressed back in my times. I wanted to learn scocker, no one allows girls in back then. I took a basketball class at YMCA, only me as a girl, so I could not play. I went home. So I learned to swim. But I wanted to play with people, I wanted to yell!!!! and I wanted to run!!!!

...i'm pretty sure she ran, i'm pretty sure she yelled-how else would she have gotten the practice, i'm pretty sure she beat uncle roger up with rocks. maybe that wasn't "scoker," but i don't doubt that she lived up her childhood in the countryside.

Sorry Joy.

2006-07-31T05:20:00.000-08:00

from the mother hen:
Joy loved bread when she was little. I baked
it and Joy would sit under the brick oven wall , ate 5 little buns at one
time. Maybe I gave Joy too much, too early, so Joy had allergy now. Sorry
Joy.

my tv loves

2006-07-21T05:02:00.000-08:00

so....... i was having a pretty weird dream and i can't explain it all.... but i'll just give the highlights

so... back to my original love, tom cruise... apparently he wants me back..... and i was hanging out with him and his children and his wife ..... and he had really cute kids .... his wife wasn't katie holmes though, it was just some made up character

anywho... and then everything kinda morphed into my new tv love .... ahem, patrick dempsey (*sigh*).... but of course in my dream nothing had really changed since my dreams never make any sense..... so them i'm sitting in like a waiting room with addison (red head wife of patrick dempsey on tv) and his children (who WERE tom cruise's children).... and they are waiting on the delivery of a baby (i'm still not sure who's baby-- at first i thought it was tom cruise's wife.... so maybe in my dream tom cruise had multiple wives...i think that was part of hte confusion...but anyways, not important)....so there is some sort of weird complication about like the baby's saliva and teh esophagus?..... so addison is worried, but dr weber (the black chief on grey's anatomy) has done something to try and fix it for hte moment......THEN (now things are getting juicy) addison comfronts me about whether or not i'm having an affair with her husband (somehow my role is a little different suddenly)...so i'm searching in my brain to try and figure out what the answer is b/c apparently i'm not sure .... i think i was just like recalling episodes of grey's anatomy or something...... and so she's like, "cuz ya know, that time you smelled exactly like him"....and i was like all tongue tied and i was like, "addison..... "......so she's like, " ya know, i can't do this."...and she takes off her wedding ring and puts it on the table.....and i get up and leave....and she gets up and leaves.......and we start walkin gin separate directions and then patrick dempsey (*sigh*) finally shows up and he's like ,"oh- which one do i go after? what is going on?" .... so finally he comes after me (yay!) and he's like, "don't go- just wait pleaaaassseee......" and he asks me to please watch his kids in the waiting room (i know, i thought they were tom cruise's children, but whatever) ... so i was like, "FINE- just b/c i don't want your kids to sit there by themselves"...so i don't know where he went - to go talk to addison?.... and then someone (maybe you guys) asked me what i was doing nad i'm like, "i'm watching tom cruise's kids!" (yeah, i know i'm getting tom cruise and patrick dempsey all mixed up).... and then some time afterwards mom came along and ruiined my romantic moment while i had a bike near the water with his kids and maybe him and she was like, "hahha- DID you know melodie has never done this......"...... way to go mom, way to ruin my patrick dempsey/tom cruise moment.........

somewhere in this dream i'm also peeing in the street and i'm like, "oh my gosh- i'm STILL peeing"...but that's not very romantic and i don't know why i was doing that (i think its jsut cuz i had to pee for real)..... i don'tk now how this amazing story ends...but i'd like to think i ride off into the sunset with one of them.... right now i'm leaning towards patrick dempsey, but i'll settle for tom cruise

alexa is morbid

2006-07-19T05:16:00.000-08:00

yes, i truly have nothing better to do then to copy and paste proof of alexa's morbidness..... quotes from alexa:

in 6th grade, my science teacher told us that you can literally put your finger through a baby's soft spot.
now i haven't tried it, but i'm not saying that i haven't wanted to.

well, i'm 18.
hello adulthood, hello death.

finding childhood school journals in the garage, my favorite quote from second grade being, "my favorite part of the story was when the fox ate gingerbread man." (illustration included)

oh good times

2006-07-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

i was reading some old posts from my blog, and i found this one:

a day in the life of the tangs:
mommy: *pinches joy's back fat*
joy: OWWWWWWWW!
mommy: yeah.

family "friends" part II

2006-07-07T06:01:00.000-08:00

That reminds me of the time i was in Beijing and mom told charlie's dad to tell his cousin i was there. and the woman CAME to the school to find me. what a stalker. and then she was roaming the hall saying, "tang yao?... tang yao?"...and THEN when i said that the other dorm was better she TOLD my poor teacher, "why are these rooms worse?"....and THEN she would call me EVERY saturday MORNING looking for me.....and THEN she brought a tape recorder so i could say english vocabulary words to her son.... who was a fat spoiled child..... and she goes, "it was your mom's idea"....yeah, go figure

crazy chinese.

family "friends"

2006-07-06T10:28:00.000-08:00

i don't understand the mentality that i need to visit bao bao's husband's little brother's family. we aren't important countries that need goodwill ambassadors so that we can hold hands and sign treaties.

if (we all know this means when) i visit them, i hope they give me lots of money. like when i walk in, i want them to start shoving it into my pockets. that would make the 40 minute drive and subsequent hours of fake pleasant conversation worth it. they could send me off with a roasted pig too.

then i might be content.

mmmmmmm

2006-07-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

umph, she farted

2006-07-03T09:27:00.000-08:00

do you remember how allen used to sing that "song"?

the ultimate life

2006-06-28T07:58:00.001-08:00

we know that i'm in irving for an internship, but we also all know that i'm really here to play ultimate.

i'm getting to play so much more than i would at home. i'm sure mom would give me limitations and tell me to study and do her taxes or apply to grad school early or something.

so here's a good picture from last weekend's tournament to illustrate just how good i am at ultimate(haha):http://photos.jasonmechler.com/p/
2006tss_ovaryaction_tsunami/20060625-d005834

click on it. you won't regret it

whose baby does this remind you of?

2006-06-15T11:56:00.000-08:00

return of the chicky

2006-06-09T09:25:00.000-08:00

before i left for irving, i was at christina's house and i found a treasure!

a whole box of little joy-chickies!

so she gave me one, and now i have you taped on the inside of a little compartment door in my car so that when i pull it open, you pop out.
sometimes when i get lonely driving, i pull you out and sing to you.

we have good times in the car together, joy chicky.

making fun of old asian people

2006-06-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

so i'm working out in the work out room in my apartment complex... and i've just finished a set with these 10 lb dumb bells (no biggie, right?)... this grown indian man comes up to me and says, "Are you finished with these?" and then begins to work out with them..... and i laughed inside as i watched this big grown indian man work out with these 10 lb dumb bells...maybe he was going for lots of reps w/ light weights or something

and then i laughed inside when his wife or whoever she was got on the elliptical machine and started flailing about (laughing loudly the whole time) as if she was on like a seesaw or something..... then after she finished exerting herself on that machine she went to go play with these little weights and her husband or whoever assisted her by holding her shoulder down as she swung the weight back and forth with the momentum of her entire upper body...

now i know that it is not nice to make fun of people because we are also afraid that we look like freaks who have no idea what they're doing when we work out.... but i really think asian adults over the age of like 35 use gyms like adult playgrounds - kind of like in china when you see all these adults go

this post needs no title.

2006-06-05T13:18:00.000-08:00

an excerpt from an email from mom to me:

Am so happy Christina came to see us last night. Seeing her ease my pain of
missing you. how I wish Allen will marry her. Christina is the only America
girl I want. She is the best wife to a man.

Shopping blues

2006-06-03T18:25:00.000-08:00

I can't shop without you guys ... i grab all sorts of things that look bad on me and then i prance around in front of the mirror and can't decide what to buy.... where are you guys ?

comedy at md anderson

2006-05-25T21:38:00.000-08:00

while at the md anderson carnival, they stuck this tubey with a light down her throat through her nose.
in order to do this, they made her make the noise "eee" because it facilitates the tube's movement.

during this process, the following scene came about:
doctor: say "eee"
mommy: "eeee"..."eeee"..."eee"...
doctor(referring to the resident): why don't you come over here and take a look
mommy: "eee"..."eee"..."eee"...
resident: you can just breathe normally now.
mommy(cocking her head up to the side): no "eee?"
resident: no "eee."